Who do you call at 2a.....?

Today at church we discussed connection. Everyone wants connection. Everyone searches for connection. Whether its public, social, personal or intimate; we all search for at least one of them on a daily basis. We were asked three questions: who do you belong to?, who picks you up? and who can you call?.

As I sat there during the rest of service I couldn't get the questions out of my head. I don't feel I have a single person (excluding my husband) I can call at 2a or anyone to pick me up. I'm the one people call at 2a and I'm the one who picks people up. Then when I need someone or when I need help I just sit in the dark and cry until I'm over it or I bury it and move on. Don't get me wrong I have my best friends and I have close friends but I don't feel any of them are ok with me calling at 2a.

Now that I have come to this realization I have asked myself... where do I go from here? I've only every wanted someone to be there for me like I am there for everyone else I love and care about. Its so hard to answer this and it hurts to know that my relationships are all one sided.

I know eventually God will bring me exactly what I need if I would just only ask. I just don't know what to do in the meantime.

Thanks for your time.

Where to begin.....

The last few weeks of church have been amazing. My husband has attended church without complaint or hassle. He has even put some next steps that has me in shock and awe. Its so wonderful to see God at work. However the last few Sundays i've also left with the same feeling.... I need to be more obedient. I know this is God speaking to me about what i need to do but where do you begin so that you're successful...?

For me i have a few different areas i need to be more obedient in. I know some would say just dive in all at once and i have but i fall off the wagon. I don't want to fall off the wagon anymore.

Do i start with prayer, tithe, spending.time in the Word or using my talents better...? I grew up in the church but what i was raised on always confused me and i never understand the way God wants me to do it.

Prayer- according to God what are we to do...? Do we bow our heads, close our eyes and pray? Can prayer be a simple conversation like you would have with anyone else and you don't have to close your eyes. I was raised on the whole bow your head close your eyes. However i would like to think that just a simple inner conversation works too. I have seen God answer some of my prayer and they have only ever come from an inner conversation.. No bowing.my head or closing my eyes. But i still wonder is this the way God wants me to do it...?

Tithe- this one i know i just needs to happen and there's no confusion on how to do it. The human in me just drops my jaw at the amount of 10% and then i wonder how we're gonna get by on the rest. In all honesty its lack of faith that God won't leave me high and dry basically.

Spending time in the word- first i need a bible i can understand. After that is accomplished i need to learn the best way to spend my time. I never understood how this part of it worked if it was done through bible studies, opening and seeing where you landed or just reading cover to cover. Also, is it meant to be an every day thing or at least once a week.

Using my talent better- I'm not 100% sure what my talents are but of course i know i have them. I guess in this area i need God to show me what they are so i can evaluate if i am using them all or not.

I obviously have lots of questions and i'm sure i'm probably over-analyzing what i am suppose to do.  I just want to do it right.. I don't want to do it how i think i am suppose to and then realize it was all selfishly thought out.
On Sunday, it really sucked to look down at the "evaluation bars" pastor created on the notes and realize i am at 0% on all of them.. I can't even say 10%.. And now my goal is to at least be at 50% in 6 months andin a year i wanna go for an internship at the church. I don't wanna keep dreaming about it i wanna do it but i wanna ne more obedient first.

I'm ready to be more of a team player and less of a referee. :)