Community

A couple weeks ago pastor spoke on community and how we all long and search for it.

Tonight during the potluck dinner with my prego growth group I couldn't help but be in love with my community.. I don't know this ladies super well but they're apart of my community. And it is nice to know if I ever have a baby question I have 11 ladies I can turn to.

There's alot going on in my head right now and knowing that I have this community makes everything else doable.

Just wanted to share that little bit.

Thanks for listening

Who do you call at 2a.....?

Today at church we discussed connection. Everyone wants connection. Everyone searches for connection. Whether its public, social, personal or intimate; we all search for at least one of them on a daily basis. We were asked three questions: who do you belong to?, who picks you up? and who can you call?.

As I sat there during the rest of service I couldn't get the questions out of my head. I don't feel I have a single person (excluding my husband) I can call at 2a or anyone to pick me up. I'm the one people call at 2a and I'm the one who picks people up. Then when I need someone or when I need help I just sit in the dark and cry until I'm over it or I bury it and move on. Don't get me wrong I have my best friends and I have close friends but I don't feel any of them are ok with me calling at 2a.

Now that I have come to this realization I have asked myself... where do I go from here? I've only every wanted someone to be there for me like I am there for everyone else I love and care about. Its so hard to answer this and it hurts to know that my relationships are all one sided.

I know eventually God will bring me exactly what I need if I would just only ask. I just don't know what to do in the meantime.

Thanks for your time.

Where to begin.....

The last few weeks of church have been amazing. My husband has attended church without complaint or hassle. He has even put some next steps that has me in shock and awe. Its so wonderful to see God at work. However the last few Sundays i've also left with the same feeling.... I need to be more obedient. I know this is God speaking to me about what i need to do but where do you begin so that you're successful...?

For me i have a few different areas i need to be more obedient in. I know some would say just dive in all at once and i have but i fall off the wagon. I don't want to fall off the wagon anymore.

Do i start with prayer, tithe, spending.time in the Word or using my talents better...? I grew up in the church but what i was raised on always confused me and i never understand the way God wants me to do it.

Prayer- according to God what are we to do...? Do we bow our heads, close our eyes and pray? Can prayer be a simple conversation like you would have with anyone else and you don't have to close your eyes. I was raised on the whole bow your head close your eyes. However i would like to think that just a simple inner conversation works too. I have seen God answer some of my prayer and they have only ever come from an inner conversation.. No bowing.my head or closing my eyes. But i still wonder is this the way God wants me to do it...?

Tithe- this one i know i just needs to happen and there's no confusion on how to do it. The human in me just drops my jaw at the amount of 10% and then i wonder how we're gonna get by on the rest. In all honesty its lack of faith that God won't leave me high and dry basically.

Spending time in the word- first i need a bible i can understand. After that is accomplished i need to learn the best way to spend my time. I never understood how this part of it worked if it was done through bible studies, opening and seeing where you landed or just reading cover to cover. Also, is it meant to be an every day thing or at least once a week.

Using my talent better- I'm not 100% sure what my talents are but of course i know i have them. I guess in this area i need God to show me what they are so i can evaluate if i am using them all or not.

I obviously have lots of questions and i'm sure i'm probably over-analyzing what i am suppose to do.  I just want to do it right.. I don't want to do it how i think i am suppose to and then realize it was all selfishly thought out.
On Sunday, it really sucked to look down at the "evaluation bars" pastor created on the notes and realize i am at 0% on all of them.. I can't even say 10%.. And now my goal is to at least be at 50% in 6 months andin a year i wanna go for an internship at the church. I don't wanna keep dreaming about it i wanna do it but i wanna ne more obedient first.

I'm ready to be more of a team player and less of a referee. :)

Breastfeeding versus getting PPD

Let's just say the possibility of getting PPD and trying to avoid it won. Lol.. Kalea is slowly becoming a formula baby and in the last couple days has not been a happier baby. Let's not forget mommy is a happier person too.

The last couple weeks I've been really struggling to continue breastfeeding and I felt like crap for wanting to just quit when I had such a perfect supply for her. Thanks to my supportive husband I decided to slowly wean her off. Since I haven't needed to be attached to her I've noticed how much better my mood is. I still have my moments but I am no longer sad that I decided to have another kid and start over when I had some nice freedom with just Nani. Which not being sad over your new baby is always better. :)

I did my best and I gave her 6 weeks which is better then nothing and more then Nani ever got and she turned out fine.

I honestly don't know how some moms do it. I love my kids and I want the best for them but I don't have the mentality to just focus on one thing and potentially let everything else go. I now understand why it took my sister 12+ hours every Sunday to clean her house. Lol.

At the end of the day.. Like my girl friend has been telling me.. Its not worth your sanity. I am glad I finally decided to listen to myself and those supportive individuals around me.

Good Night Everyone!

Thanks for walking through this with me. :)

Going Nuts!!!!!

Haha my first blog post and its about how I'm loosing my mind. PERFECT!!

Well let's just jump right in shall we. I am a wife and mother. I have two girls that are 3 and 6 weeks. And I am completely overwhelmed!!!!!!

Between the baby who needs to eat every two hours and only be held by mommy to the toddler who does her own thing and thinks she's the boss to the husband, lets not forget him, who needs "attention" too. There's not only no time for me but I don't have energy or desire to deal with those three things everyday let alone add myself. I know myself should be first priority but heck you have kids and tell me how that works out.

If you haven't noticed by now I'm a bit emotional.. Lol.. And tonight started because my husband changed our shower head and now there's no pressure. So the one thing that was quick and gave me a little me time is now barely possible.

I'm just ready for a schedule. I am way to organized to be working off on demand. I mean I love that breastfeeding is going so well at the same time I'm barely holding on emotionally and mentally. However if I stop breastfeeding I feel like a horrible mom for not being able to nurture my child. Ugh I'm all over the place. And it only takes rocking her to sleep and watching her sleep to flip my emotions to that of someone who is blessed and so in love with her life. Oh yea and lets not forget a big cry baby.

I 150% admit that I completely and utterly forgot how it was with Nani.. Lol.. and this experience has just further proven that I am no longer bearing anymore children. I have two beautiful girls and I am completely satisfied with that.

That is all for this post. Thanks for taking this time to be with me through this emotional evening.